WHERE THE HEART IS
Whether it's a physical manifestation like our beds or more sentimental associations, like a hug from a friend, we are all familiar with the idea of home. This resonance has always intrigued my creative practice as much as it has in my personal life.
'Where the Heart Is' is a personal series that continues my exploration of our relationship with the concept of 'home'. The coronavirus pandemic and the subsequent lockdowns took a toll on us beyond just feeling "trapped". This series encourages reflection on our relationship with ourselves and how we think about our homes - as they became more than merely a place, we rest.
The series consists of 19 portraits taken during two nationwide lockdowns, adding colour to the participants' anecdotes. The replies reveal people citing home as a place of safety and comfort, while others spoke about being at home affected their relationship. Most responses are transcripts taken from diary entry-style voice notes, whilst others are text messages from the subjects. One subject replied by writing a letter to me as they pondered on home and its meaning in their lives. Among others, I asked everyone, "what does home mean to you?"
What does home mean to you now? “This is a really good question. This is the second time in my life where I’ve had to question what home means to me. When I moved to London from California and London began to start feeling more and more like home it was interesting feeling like this space feels like home, but my roots and my family of origin is in a different place. Both spaces started to feel like they fit and didn’t all at the same time and so to feel untethered from home in that season was really interesting. The thing then and even the way that I think about home now is that space where youfeel most yourself and most comfortable and most seen and loved. It is both tied to a place but also is more of a feeling and more of an experience, maybe? I think it’s interesting, this idea of, is home place or is home a more intangible thing? I very much feel at home whenever I’m with Chloe and there are certain people in my life that just feel homey. I think for me it maybe is less about a location and more about the environment that is created within a space.” - Allison
How has your relationship been affected with the pandemic and home? “This is a funny one because for the last half of 2019 I was working in Newcastle on weekdays and only home on the weekends. So, we’ve gone from spending very little time together to spending every waking moment together. Honestly, I would think that I would have something interesting or profound to say about navigating relationships and overcoming relationship troubles when you’re in this situation but actually we haven’t really had any issues shifting into this new dynamic. It’s actually been really nice.I think we as a couple just look after each other quite well. I’ve been just really grateful spending every day with someone who loves me and cares about me and who I love and care about. Obviously throughout the year it’s been weird emotionally for everyone.I’ve had ups and downs, Allison’s had ups and downs, but we’ve been lucky that they haven’t really happened at the same time. When I’m feeling low Allison’s been able to be the joy and then vice versa and our flat is very small, but we’ve functioned well and enjoyed each other’s endless company. I just never get bored. I think that’s the key with any relationship really, you’ve got to always find them to be interesting. I’m lucky that she’s fun and kind and smart and deep so we can talk for hours about anything. Obviously we’ve been doing that a lot this year and so it’s only really served to remind me how well we suit each other.” - Chloe
What does home mean to you? “When I reflect on the idea of ‘home' I start to think of it across these three 'spaces' too. My body and my mind are my home. My friends, my family, my community are my home. My room, my flat, any neighbourhood, my city, this planet are all my home. To feel that belonging we yearn for as humans I know I have to tend to each of these aspects with such love and care. These 'homes' are relational, intertwined. Relationships need to be nurtured to flourish. When we went into lockdown for the first time my home very quickly shrunk. Or perhaps it's more fitting to say that the physical space I label as ‘home’ felt smaller because I suddenly had to fit lots more inside of one room. My bed, my 'office', my socialising, my relaxing. It came as a bit of a surprise to find how quickly I adapted, and how 'home' simultaneously expanded under these new conditions too.” - Ellie
How has the pandemic affected your relationship with home? “I think the pandemic has made me appreciate the space in both homes much more and how best to utilize it to help my mental health. Creating clear boundaries between my work from home space and sleeping space for example. Also it’s meant spending a lot more time with my loved ones ie having a family home cooked meal everyday which was lovely” - Gary
What part of your home do you appreciate more? “To be honest, I’ve been locked up in my room for God knows how long? If I think about it in the grand scheme of things my home, my room, my bedroom I wake up next to me is my little office where I work on. Then I have an easel in my room and I just get ready to paint and do my job and do my progressions of where I as an artist am trying to build myself to. You know what, I’ve actually started to appreciate the living room especially we as a family now sit together, chill with each other you know bussing up jokes and talking out our problems together. I feel like our living room has been such a big commune for me and my brother and my mum just to sit there and enjoy ourselves like a family. That’s what I appreciate the most.” - Kelly
What does ‘home’ mean to you? “As of lately, it means, myself. I take home with me everywhere I go because I’ve been moving around a lot lately. A lot of personal changes and it seems like I’ve called a lot of places home and it has changed my perception of what that means, massively. I realise that I can make anywhere my home it doesn’t necessarily need to have certain people or certain things. I think if I’m safe and solid and happy then I can call it home.” - Liz
How has this lockdown been different from the last? “It’s actually been very different for me. The last lockdown I was living at home with my dad and my sister. Then when we were allowed to meet people outside I was going for walks nearly every day with my niece and nephew. I ended up quarantining with them for a little bit and we’d hang out a lot and they’re little they’re 4 and 2 and so it was very very family orientated. I was always around them and I didn’t really leave home that much to do anything else apart from shopping and the basics and I didn’t really see any friends. It was just my dad’s house and my brother’s house. This lockdown I’ve moved into my own place and so it’s been by myself which has been very interesting because I have genuinely loved it, but I do realise that I love spending time with people. I love my own company, but I like the act of service like cooking for friends or doing activities with friends or just having them over but obviously I couldn’t have that this time unless they were in my bubble which was fine because I was working. The difference was back in lockdown one I was with six people including my niece and nephew so there was a lot of us whereas now I’m completely removed from all of them. I couldn’t go and see them obviously. Very very different, very enlightening. I’m learning a lot about ‘self’ and how I am as a person.” - Kim
What does home mean to you? "Looking at what home means to me currently is definitely different to how it did in the past. So, I’d say in the past, I’ll start in the past before I go into now.I’d say the past I saw home as the opportunity for me to be my true self, for me to be truly comfortable. I always felt like I’ve always had to perform, to put on a face. I’ve been this very confident, loud, exuberant, extrovert. Which I am, which is a part of my personality but there are so many other factors of who I am. Especially growing up in the I grew up in, Croydon. Especially in school you had to seem hard. You had to seem like you liked these certain things and I used to pertain to that in a certain way. I guess at home I could really allow for my true interests to foster and be myself; dress a certain way, all that sort of thing. Obviously with time I gotmore confident and was able to be who I am at home, outside. I guess as a kid, as a teenager, right up to probably my early twenties. Actually, I’d say until college, I’d say home was my place to be comfortable and for me to be Gerald. Now I see home especially during lockdown, I guess it’s given me the opportunity to think about how I see home. I’m 28, I turned 28 in August of this year and what I’ve realised is home now is a sense of security. I don’t mean securities in terms of protection from life in terms of abuse, or robbery, or theft, or being beaten up or anything like that. I’d say what people would normally traditionally say home provides. I say security in terms of financial security because I know now that regardless of; If I’m ever broke or I’ve lost a job or I’ve moved out for a period and I need to come back or whatever or I’ve moved out and it hasn’t gone well, or a relationship has failed. This will always be my base. This will always be there for me regardless of anything. It gives me that confidence to know that I can take the risk, especially before I turn 30 anyway. I can take risk; I can be adventurous because fundamentally this will always be here. I’ll always have a roof over my head, I’ll always have food in my belly and those are the two core things you need in life…and a loving family, sorry! Make that three things. So, it’s given me a sense of security. I’m the kind of person that if I don’t like a job, I’ll just quit. A lot of people for financial security will have to stay in a job but knowing that I’ve got my home as my security and if I’m not enjoying something I can quit. I know that, I can say ‘ok cool mum and dad I’m not going to be able to help out with the bills and the rent like I normally do because I’ve just quit this job because I want to just focus on something else.’ I have great parents who trust me to be able to do that and being a creative that I am, sometimes you need that space just to create. I guess it’s given me that sense of security." - Gerald
What does home mean to you? “Home to me is just, I don’t know, somewhere I feel I can come back and kind of let out the sort of rigours of the day, whether that’s been a bad or a good day. Where I can relax and put on my music or come back and cook food in a space that’s familiar to me. A place where I can just, I don’t know? Where I can just feel comfortable. Excuse the dithering I’m just trying to give you something a bit more comprehensive as an answer. To an extent it’s now for me and was before in my previous home a place to come home to people you can share what’s been going on in your day with. Which was different when I was living with someone else that I wasn’t in a relationship with, then it is now, where I have two lovely flatmates who are great and stuff. I think that is part of my kind of thinking around the concept of home.” - Michael
Photography: Francis Augusto / @franxisaugusto
Photo assist: Zelie Lockhart
Film lab: @labyrinth_cos